The BEST piece of parenting advice for moms of teens

When our children are young we can shelter them and keep them in a bubble, but as they get older we have to give them freedom and the ability to make their own decisions and their own mistakes, even though it's hard for us.  We have life experiences and we know what the outcome will be when our kids make bad choices, but we have to let them make those choices and deal with those consequences.

Our Heavenly Father feels the same way about us.  He has more knowledge than we do.  He knows what will happen when we make decisions, but He allows us the agency to make our own choices, both wrong and right.  Sometimes we pray and ask and even beg for things that He doesn't provide.  We feel like He isn't listening, but really He IS listening.  He just knows better than we do.  How often do our kids beg and plead and cry for something that we have to say no to because it isn't in their best interest?  It may be staying up too late, wearing immodest clothing, going to an inappropriate movie or dating too young. From the time our kids can walk we are telling them no.  Don't touch that, don't climb on that, don't eat that; these are all things little kids don't want to hear, but we know better than them, just like our Heavenly Father knows better than us.

WE are His children.  And just like our own children make mistakes, we make mistakes too.  As our kids get older those mistakes can become wedges in your relationship with them.  Teenagers often pull away from their parents, especially when the teenagers are doing things they know their parents don't approve of.  A lot of that pulling away is because our kids think that we won't love them anymore if they don't fit into the mold of what we think they should be.  How often do we pull away from our Father in Heaven because we feel like we aren't being the person He wants us to be?

The greatest thing I know about my Heavenly Father is that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me even though I'm not perfect.  He loves me even though I make mistakes.  He loves me even though sometimes I cry and whine at Him and beg Him for things that He just isn't going to give me.

Because unconditional love is offered by my Heavenly Father to me, I KNOW that I must offer unconditional love to my kids as well.

It sounds easy to just love them and yet I see so many parents with young teenagers who are kicking their kids out of the house, treating them badly or shutting them out of the family because the kids are doing things they disagree with.

I have three teenagers.  In our family we've experienced eating disorders, cutting, depression, anxiety and suicide pacts with friends.  We've had girls with hair every color of the rainbow and girls with heads shaved completely bald, along with mo-hawks, death-hawks, bi-hawks and clothing I would have never in a million years picked out for my daughters.  My daughters have dated boys who are nothing that I would have wanted for them.  We've experienced kids who've decided they don't want anything to do with church, kids who don't want anything to do with God and kids whose religious, political and social beliefs go against everything I've ever taught them.

But through all of this I have an extremely strong and personal relationship with each of my children.  My 18 year old, who is now living on her own, texts me every single day and comes home for a couple of days at least three times a month.  My 16 year old asks me to sit and do collages with her and to "go on adventures" with her.  She tells me about her life and complains when I say I need to go to bed at night.  My 14 year old son hugs me every time he sees me.

 I may not agree with my kids' beliefs and choices, but I love them and THEY KNOW IT.

When you have teenagers you realize that they are their own people.  Yes, they still need you, but once they leave the walls of your home to go to school or out with friends then you have no control over what their actions are.  You can be a good example, you can teach them, you can lecture them, you can discipline them, but essentially they are who they are and they will make the decisions that they want to make.  All you can do is just love them.  No matter what they do, just love them.

They need love more than anything.  They need to know that whatever they do, whatever mistakes they make, whatever friends they have, whatever causes they believe in, whatever person they are, you will love them.  This doesn't mean that we ignore bad behavior.  A parent is still a parent, but make sure that they know that although you may hate their actions, and sometimes need to disciple them for those actions, you don't hate them as a person.

Being loving, truly loving, parents is something we should all strive for, however young or old our children are.  We know that our Heavenly Father will always have His arms outstretched for us, even if we feel we don't deserve it and I strive to be the kind of parent who always has my arms outstretched to my children as well.

The best piece of advice I can give to other parents of teenagers?  Just love them.

I'm doing the best I can.

Something I've been thinking a lot about over the last couple of weeks is how I put myself down.  I like myself.  I have high self esteem, but I constantly put myself down in the form of generalizations I use to explain why I'm not as good as I think I should be.

Today is Sunday, and all day I've been avoiding doing a big cleanup in my kitchen and putting away my sewing stuff from a project I finished Friday night.  Last night I had good intentions of cleaning both the kitchen and my craft room, but instead, Alyssa asked me to do art collages with her and I sure wasn't going to turn down the opportunity to hang out with one of my kids.  

This afternoon while making lunch I said, "I should clean this kitchen right now, but I'm a horrible homemaker."  Why would I say that?  I could have said, "This kitchen is extra messy because the kids have been home on Christmas break for two weeks, I could have done it last night, but I was being a good mom by spending time with one of my kids.  I want to enjoy my Sunday, so the dishes I did today are good enough and I can do the rest tomorrow." but instead I put myself down.  Just because my kitchen is messy today does not mean I'm a horrible homemaker.  

I also say things like, "My kids don't go to church because I'm a crappy mom." or when I say no to doing something or being charge of something, I'll say, "I'm sorry, but I can't.  I'm really flaky these days."  My kids don't go to church because they have their own agency and they choose not to.  That doesn't mean I'm a crappy mom.  I have taught them what I believe and been an example to them.  That's all I can do.  

I can't be in charge of as much as I used to because I'm a full time caregiver with a lot of appointments and our day to day can be unpredictable.  That doesn't mean I'm flaky.  It means I'm in a different stage of life right now and can't do all that I use to.

As women, we seem to put a lot of unnecessary guilt on ourselves.  Every time our kids rebel we think it's our fault.  Every time our house isn't spotless we think it means we aren't clean enough.  Every time we say no to someone we think we aren't good enough.  WHY DO WE DO THIS?  

We will never have perfect kids, a perfect marriage, a perfect house, be able to help everyone we want to help or do everything we wish we could do.  We. just. can't.   We KNOW we can't do it all.  If we heard a friend putting guilt on themselves or being mean to themselves because of something like this we'd tell them to knock it off!  If we can be forgiving of the "faults" of our friends and neighbors, why can't we be forgiving and understanding of ourselves?

I'm doing the best I can!

Every day, sometimes all day every day, I say to myself, "I'm doing the best I can!"  I say it to my husband.  I say it to my kids.  I say it out loud and I say it in my mind.  It's so easy to get overwhelmed with everything I feel like I'm failing at.   

One thing I'm working on is letting go of the word "fail" in my vocabulary.  Just because I'm not where my brain tells me I should be, doesn't mean I'm failing.  I'm doing good!  My house is reasonably clean and organized, my kids are smart and funny, my marriage is happy, I have great friends and I have a lot of gifts and talents.  The end... not my house is clean, but blah blah blah it's not as clean as it could be.  It's fine!   We as women need to learn to state the facts and leave off the negative buts or becauses at the end.  We owe it to ourselves.  I'm doing awesome and so are you!  

Friends Helping Friends

Over the last month I've had a lot of days where I just haven't even wanted to get out of bed, but staying in bed has not been an option.  For those of you who've been following my family's recent going-ons through facebook, I don't even post 1/4 of the negative things that have been happening and yet the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was all the nice people in my life.  The stress and worry came second.

That's because for every one bad thing happening, two good things show up unexpectedly to remind me I am loved.  I often say how I should have been a homemaker 60 years ago, but that mentality of friends helping friends, neighbors reaching out and people helping a stranger is alive and well in our time today!  Kind words, neighbors dropping off meals, friends and strangers helping however they can.  It's real!  There are good people everywhere wanting to do what they can to help others. 

I try to live my life in a way that at the end of each day I can think back to someone I provided service for.  If I can't think of anyone I feel like my day was wasted just a little bit even if I got a lot accomplished.  Serving others is very important to me.  It's hard for me to be on the receiving end of service, but it's also very good for me.  God wants us not only to provide service for others, He wants us to have the opportunity to be served.  It's a lesson we all need to learn. 

Because I have seen first hand all the good things people do, even if it's "just a hug" (there's no such thing as just a hug), I want this message not to be a reminder to do service, but I want to remind those strong, amazing homemakers out there to let others serve YOU sometimes!  You don't have to be everything all the time.  It's ok to cry, it's ok to let a friend lend a helping hand, it's ok to accept a meal, it's ok to let someone watch your kids or give you a hug if you're having a hard day.    When someone asks, "What can I do to help you?" really think about the question before throwing out the typical "nothing, I'm fine" answer we moms love to give.

By allowing others to serve you, you are allowing them the blessings of service. You are also allowing your family to feel that humbling tug in their heart that only happens when you are served by someone.  I see the amazement in my kids' eyes when someone drops off brownies or brings dinner.  Nina has been incredibly touched when someone bringing spaghetti left the meat out because Nina is a vegetarian or when a neighbor once brought her treats when I had mentioned on facebook she was struggling.  As much as I want my kids to be strong and independent, I also want them to know what it feels like to be served.  Accepting service doesn't make you weak, it helps you grow stronger so that when you're back on your feet you can turn around and do more for others.  It's a beautiful cycle of friends helping friends.

Missionaries

source: lds.org

Whenever I spend time around LDS (Mormon) missionaries it always hits me how dang young they are.  Maybe that's a sign of me getting old?  When I was growing up we'd see the missionaries around town and I'd think of them as so grown up... but they're just kids.  We hear stories about missionaries coming home early and it's this big "shame on them" thing, but they're boys, most of them away from home for the first time living a life completely different from what they've ever known.  

It's amazing to me that these teenagers are willing to give up tv, movies, video games, dating, living with their parents and basically their normal lives for two whole years to serve the Lord.  They live and work with a companion they may or may not get along with.  They talk to adults and teach them even though they're just babies in the gospel themselves.  They have to get past their own insecurities and fears and be confident in what they are teaching.  It's an incredible thing to see what someone can accomplish they're on the Lord's errand.

We had the missionaries over this week and these boys are barely older than Nina.  One has been in Utah from Texas for 3 months and the other has been here from Germany for only a month... Just teenage boys far from home, but giving great service.  It touches my heart.  In a few short years Caleb is planning to join the ranks of the missionaries.  It will be amazing to see a little boy leave and a man return!  I once had a friend with teenagers say that God knew what he was doing by sending these boys out on missions at the age he does... That's the age where their mother's are ready to strangle them!  I don't know if that's true or not, but I know that going on a mission gives great blessings to the young men and women who serve and those blessings follow them throughout their lives.  If you've never met with the LDS missionaries, I'd be glad to send some your way... The spirit they bring with them is something you won't forget!

And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.
-Mosiah 2:17

Happy Sunday!

Sanctuary

I'm what you would call a busy person... not just normal busy, but BUSY.  I'm often told that I don't have an "off switch".  I go-go-go from the time my eyes open until I fall asleep at night, usually hours past bedtime.  I sometimes always make my family insane because they try to get me to relax and chill, but I don't really function that way.  One thing that helps me to keep my sanity through all my busyness is my house.  I believe that your home is your sanctuary.  It's a place that you should walk into and feel at peace.  There is a reason behind my white living room and bedroom.  It's not just that I like white slipcovers and white painted furniture; I feel at peace when I'm surrounded by simple, peaceful things that I love.

Having your home in order is more than just wanting it to look pretty.  Having an orderly home is essential for the well being of you and your family.  If you are squished on one half of the table at dinner time because there is stuff piled on the other side are you really enjoying your meal?  If you're wading through piles of stuff on the floor do you feel at peace or do you feel as cluttered as the room does?  I am not a person who will ever have a spotless, museum-type house.  I believe a home should be just that... a home.  I think you need to live in a place people feel comfortable actually living in.  But there should be order in your home.

When people come over to my house I find myself immediately spilling out excuses as to why things are so cluttered.  It shouldn't be like that.  Even though we have "good" reasons why things are cluttery right now, I'm embarrassed to have company over.  I know my friends and family understand what's going on in our lives right now and my house isn't dirty, just full of projects we're in the middle of, but it bothers me...  a lot.  I'm not sure how people who live in messy houses on a daily basis, year after year function and maybe they don't.  My house has only been out of order for a couple of months and I feel like my life is completely out of order.

I NEED my house to be a place of peace.  I'm getting to the point now where I'm starting to get things back in order and I notice such a difference in my own attitude and that of my kids.  I would strongly encourage anyone who is feeling like they're out of sorts to look at their house.  I know when my house is in order I feel like my life is in order as well.  I deserve a sanctuary from the stresses of life and so do you.  What better place for that sactuary than your own home?

Accepting Jesus Christ as my Personal Savior

My Sacrament Meeting Talk: April 2011

When I first heard the topic “Accepting Jesus Christ as my Personal Savior” I was a little hesitant. Some of you may know that I consider myself a writer and write on gospel topics often. On my blog I call them “spiritual thoughts”. I often bare testimony of Christ, but I’ve never touched on the subject of Christ as my personal Savior and having to give a talk on this subject made me really nervous. It took me a minute to realize why this is such a hard topic for me. After some thought and discussion, I realized it wasn’t the topic itself, but the wording of the topic. Do I believe Christ is my Savior? Of course I do! But spending so much time in “blogland” as we like to call it that is a phrase thrown around so often and usually, but not always, by people who don’t seem to actually know what it means.

People who ask others if they’ve accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Savior are often the same people who have judged me quite openly, harshly and publicly online. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve been thrown my way. Often these “Christians” are very extreme and not very quiet. So many people believe that they just have to say the words that they’ve accepted Jesus Christ and they are “saved”. To them that’s all there is to it; you believe in Christ and salvation is yours. I do have many non-LDS Christian friends who are not judgmental and try to live a Christ-like life the best they can, and I love them, but as you know, it’s always the negative ones that stick out in your mind the most. Once I realized why I didn’t like this topic it was much easier for me to move passed that and really ponder on what it means to me to accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior, not the Savior of the world, but as my very own Savior.

First off, I want to talk a little bit about salvation, because it can have many different meanings, even within the church. First off, there is salvation from physical death. We will all die and we will all experience salvation from physical death. Even those who have not accepted Christ or those who have never heard of Christ will be saved in this way. Our Savior gave us the gift of resurrection through his own Atonement and Resurrection. 1 Corinthians 15:22 says, “As in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive”.

Theodore M. Burton said in a BYU devotional in 1982, “When people of the world speak of being “saved,” they refer to being saved from death to rise in the resurrection. This is the first part of the atonement of Jesus Christ as he described it. It is a pure gift of grace which Jesus Christ gives to every person who has lived on the earth, and is independent of the works we do. But to be exalted to eternal life and to be able to live the kind of life that God the Eternal Father lives requires not only the gift of grace that Jesus gives to all mankind through his atonement, but that gift coupled with our own obedience and conformity to all the requirements of righteous living prescribed by the gospel of Jesus Christ. Exaltation, or the eternal life Jesus spoke about, comes from a partnership with Jesus Christ, which begins in the ordinance of baptism, by which we are reborn, and is developed through a lifetime of righteous living.”

Salvation from sin is when we are cleansed and forgiven for our sins. Just as we will all die, we will all sin. Jesus Christ is the only perfect person to ever walk this earth. Big sins or small sins, we all have them. This salvation is also sometimes referred to as being “born again”. Being Born Again is another phrase I shy away from because it is used so much. Being born again or saved does not mean you simply declare your belief in Jesus Christ and forever your sins will be forgiven with no work on your part. Just as Jesus Christ was baptized and received the Holy Ghost, we must be too. But even baptism doesn’t guarantee our salvation from sin. This is something we have to work at daily, not only by living our lives in a Christ-like manner, but also by repenting continually. As Christ-like as we try to be, none of us can be sinless as Christ was. Being born again is a continual process as we try to live our lives daily as our Heavenly Father would want us to do. It’s not one change in our heart, it’s a process.

I like that Elder Burton mentions that baptism is only the beginning. When a baby is born that isn’t the end of their progression and likewise, when we are reborn through baptism or accepting Christ, that isn’t the end of ours. Being saved is developed through a lifetime of righteous living.

Salvation can also be a salvation from ignorance. Ignorance is not always bliss. There are many people who live their lives without a knowledge of who they are and what their purpose is here on this earth. Missionary work is an example of saving someone from ignorance.

The word Salvation is often used interchangeably with the word exaltation in the scriptures. Exaltation means not only being saved from physical death, but being able to dwell with our Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ forever. Unlike the other usages of the word salvation, this gift comes only after the final judgment. I had someone ask me why we believe in temples in our church because they believe that as long as you take Christ into your heart, you are saved. I responded by writing an article about the differences between salvation and exaltation. I don’t think it made much sense to them though. Saved is saved to a lot of people.

So, now that we know a little more about what salvation means, I want to discuss what it means to me personally. When I think of accepting Jesus Christ as my personal Savior the first thing that comes to mind is Matthew 11: 28-30 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

We all have heavy burdens and pain in our lives, some of us more than others. Some of these burdens we carry around come from our own sins and bad choices, some come from the bad choices of others who inflict hurt and burden on us and sometimes bad things just happen. Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows that I have always had my share of frustrations, pain and sorrow. From growing up in a neglectful and abusive home, to spending a decade in a marriage laced with serious problems and feeling a huge responsibility for someone else to the point of letting my own spirituality and self esteem suffer, to being a single mom, raising three kids on my own for the last four years, my life has never had any real smooth points. I’m actually one of those people that just seems to be extremely unlucky. I think I’m the poster child for “if it can go wrong, it will”. I know what it feels like to be pulled down by burdens of many kinds. I also know how freeing it can be to let Jesus Christ take some of my load. Christ not only took on our sins, but also our pain and temptations and anger and frustrations and loneliness. He felt all those things so that we wouldn’t have to go through our trials alone.

I didn’t grow up in an LDS home. I was around 21 or 22 when I decided I wanted my kids to have a better life than I had growing up. I wanted my kids to have morals and standards. With Caleb as a newborn, Nina being four and Alyssa as a toddler I started attending church on a regular basis. Really all it took was a great home teacher and his wife to invite me and offer to sit by me. I had visiting teachers from the time I got married at 17, but I always felt like a number to them. They would call the last week of the month and if I couldn’t have them over by the 31st they weren’t interested and said they’d just call me next month instead of scheduling the appointment on the 1st or 2nd when I was free. I’d overhear things like, “Well I’ve been her visiting teacher for a few months and she hasn’t gone to church so someone else should take a turn.” They didn’t care about me or my family; it was all about being able to report back that they had been there and that they got me to come to church.

My very nice home teacher and his wife would come and visit me. They had no kids of their own yet and could see how overwhelmed I was with my little kids and a husband who worked two jobs and was never home, including at night. They would invite me to Sunday dinner or just stop by to visit and about the time Caleb was born they asked me to church and offered to sit by me and help me with the kids. Those early days were a nightmare. I’d attend church alone or if my husband did come he’d easily grow frustrated if one of the kids made a squawk, which of course they did.

Very soon after I started attending church I received two callings, three if you count visiting teaching. I was called to be on the activities committee and I was called into the nursery at the same time. Remember, I had a one month old, an 18 month old and a four year old, with no support when it came to things of a spiritual manner. I would wrangle the kids all alone through sacrament meeting and then deal with 20 kids in the nursery while trying to take care of my own newborn. I hated church. I would often put the two babies in my double stroller and walk to church just to give myself time to calm down after getting myself and three little people ready in the morning. I was frazzled and stressed and didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of church at all, but I was stubborn and determined. We went week after week. After a year and a half doing double duty with callings I was called as the Primary secretary. That was even more stressful than the nursery and took more time and caused more frustrations. I cried every single week when I got home from church.

Six months later we moved and three weeks after moving into our new ward I was called as the second counselor in Young Women’s. That was the first time I was even able to feel the Spirit at church. My kids were older, if you can call having a two year old and a three year old older and I actually attended Sunday School and Young Women’s. We had been trying to have Family Home Evening before this, but this was around the time we started to be more consistent. My relationship with my Savior grew like never before. As a Young Women’s leader I read the Book of Mormon all the way through for the first time and completed the full Personal Progress book in a year. Through other callings I held, prayer, the study of gospel topics and all those other typical Sunday School type answer items I grew closer and closer to my Savior. I gained a strong personal testimony of all aspects of the gospel and was able to eventually attend the temple.

I am actually grateful that I did not grow up in the church. Although it would have been easier to have the gospel standards and the Spirit in my life from the start, I can honestly say that every aspect of my testimony is my own. I earned it and usually earned it the hard way. It wasn’t easy and if I wasn’t so stubborn I would have given up on the church and on Jesus Christ a long time ago.
When I was going through my divorce four years ago, I felt the Spirit and the love of my Savior more than I ever had in my life. I knew I was making the right decision and I knew my Heavenly Father loved me and would take care of me and He did. As hard as it is to turn our burdens over to Jesus Christ, it is the only way to have peace in this life. There are times in my life where I have no peace and it feels like everything is going wrong and my life is falling apart around me and I’ll never accomplish anything I’m working towards, but when I turn my heart to Him and I remember that I have a Savior and a Father in Heaven who both love me very much I’m able to find my way back to peace.

Jesus Christ is there to save us from the full burden of our afflictions. It’s hard sometimes to pray and ask for help and then to accept that help when it comes if you’re stubborn and prideful like me, but if you do it, you will be blessed. Over the last year I’ve come to a realization about a lesson my Heavenly Father is trying to teach me. He wants me to humble myself and ask for help. I hate feeling like a burden on people and I’m very independent and like to think I can do everything on my own. Over and over I am seeing that as soon as I let go of my pride and ask someone for help I am blessed and most of the time not even by the person I’m asking. I will ask someone for help and then the thing I need comes in a different way. Often times the person I’m asking for help doesn’t end up burdened at all because Heavenly Father finds a different way to help me with what I need. I am very slowly learning that I don’t have to carry all my hardships alone. I do have a Savior who not only will save me from death and sin, but save me from feeling alone and lost.

If you are feeling like you have no hope and you are all alone, let the Savior be there for you. There are times I really feel like I will never get remarried and I’ll be alone forever. I get stressed with financial burdens, feeling overwhelmed with the kids, I’ve spent the last two months fixing up an entire house, and just life in general is often more than I can handle alone, but when I’m doing what’s right and I’m bringing the Savior into my life and coming until Him, I feel peace, even among all the turmoil. And peace is good! I don’t think I had ever felt real peace in my whole life until after my divorce. I thought something was wrong with me. I wondered if I should be getting on depression medications, I hated my life and I felt weighed down and burdened by things that were completely out of my control. For someone who lived the first 28 years of their life in turmoil, the peace the Savior offers is an amazing blessing in my life. I still get bogged down and frustrated, but when I get to that place where I’m so overwhelmed I’m ready to crack I am saved. Jesus Christ has never let me down yet and He never will. I know that you too can feel the blessings of Jesus Christ as your personal Savior if you’ll just open your heart, humble yourself and let him in. There is nothing quite like the peace He can bring.

I think for me, the key to accepting Christ as my personal Savior is to do more than just believe in him, but to actually accept His help and care. It is one thing for us to have a bishop or visiting teachers that we know would be there if we needed anything, it is quite another to actually humble ourselves enough to ask for their help and accept that help without feeling like we are a failure and these are just everyday people like us. Sometimes the thought of this huge infinite Being taking the time to hear us and listen to us and help us seems overwhelming. None of us are perfect; I know I’m sure not. None of us can overcome sin and pain and afflictions on our own.

We often hear the phrase a broken heart and a contrite spirit are the way to come closer to Jesus Christ, but have you ever wondered what it means, how it feels? This means having real sorrow when we do something wrong, recognizing our own weaknesses, feeling deep gratitude for the sacrifice the Savior made in our behalf, being willing to do whatever God asks of us and doing it with a happy heart, it means that we are humble and even more than that it means we are willing to let go of the crazy impulse we have of always wanting to be in charge of every aspect of our lives and turning it over to God. We need to let go of our pride and resistance and let Him be our life-long partner and Savior. Christ’s atonement isn’t something that benefits us only after we die. It is for here and now, every step of the way. Once we learn to accept Him into our hearts and minds we will truly be saved.

I’d like to bear my testimony to you that I know Jesus Christ is the Savior of us all. I know that He knows and cares about each of us personally. He has felt what we feel and He is willing to take on our burdens if only we will let Him. I am so grateful to be a member of Christ’s church on the earth today and that I am blessed to know Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Pornography

Pornography addiction is something that I dealt with for many, many years. Not my own addiction, but that of my ex-spouse. At first I didn’t realize it was an addiction. I came from a non-religious family where pornography was basically acceptable. I watched rated R movies, even at a very young age. I saw many nude people in movies and thought nothing of it. Unmarried sex wasn’t discouraged. So when I was in a serious relationship when I was 15 (yes, way too young), I didn’t think much of his interest in looking at magazines or movies of a questionable nature. I got married at 17. The pornography and sex fascination bothered me a bit after I was married, but I didn’t necessarily think it was evil or an addiction. I now know that pornography is both. There is no other word for it.



We had many relationship struggles over the 10 ½ years we were married. Almost all of them were centered around sex. I won’t go into specific details, but dealing with any addiction is a personal hell. Once I started going to church and living my life in a way pleasing to my Heavenly Father, it still took me several years to convince him that he was addicted. He kept saying he could stop anytime, but he'd try and fail over and over. I saw the addiction signs, I researched and prayed. I knew he needed help.

 Here are a few of the signs in our marriage: He once got a money order to subscribe to a nude magazine so I wouldn’t know; he downloaded a blocker so I couldn’t see the history of where he had been online. He started becoming closer with girls at work because they “flirted with him and complimented him” and it made him feel good. He would stay late at work when he was supposed to be studying so he could spend time on the computer. If we weren’t intimate as often as he liked he became angry and mean. He would sleep downstairs so he could get on the computer. He worked in an environment where porn was common. Sex was the most important part of his life. He had a hard time even touching me in a non-sexual way... ever  A comforting hug turned into a hand down my shirt, a cuddle turned into pants being undone. I felt like I was nothing more than a sexual object to him.

I never felt good enough because I knew I'd never compare to the fake women he viewed on a regular basis. I hated sex with him because it didn't feel like a loving, safe thing. By the time he realized he had a serious addiction that he couldn’t handle alone, it was too late for our relationship to be saved. Every relapse was harder to forgive. I was hurt more than someone who has not been through this can ever know.

I was constantly worried for my children. The younger a boy is exposed to porn the more likely he is to become addicted and team that up with the addictive nature of my kids' father had inherited anyways I was and still am scared that my son will end up an addict himself someday. I used to go downstairs to my computer to delete the image search history every morning so my kids wouldn't accidentally see something they shouldn't. It made me sick to see the phrases he was searching for. My computer constantly had inappropriate pop-ups and once caught a virus and crashed my whole system because of site that had been visited.



Sex and pornography addictions are extremely hard to kick and quite often addicts never overcome a porn addiction. Most professionals will tell you a porn addiction is harder to overcome than an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

Let me explain a little about why that is. Someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol gets high or drunk from their addiction. So does a porn addict. If you put an alcoholic in a room without alcohol he can't get drunk. It doesn't mean he's not still addicted, but it means he can't fulfill that addiction. Now let's put a porn addict in a room with no porn. Because porn is basically images in your head, a porn addict can recall images or scenes in his head and feel the same high and arousal he did when he was actually viewing it for the first time.

The porn will not work it's way out of his system like drugs or alcohol do. The images are there anytime he wants to and even when he doesn't want to remember them. Masturbating is another way porn and sex addicts can get their high. These are thing that can't be physically taken away. I do believe that a person can be healed through counseling, 12 step meetings, prayer, faith and blessings, but I know Satan is strong and a pornography addiction's hold is hard to escape.

Sex is a beautiful and wonderful part of a marriage. When a couple loves and trusts each other it is a true bonding experience. Addiction takes a lot of that love and trust out of a marriage. I've had men I'm dating ask what is so bad about being addicted to sex when you're married. I don't think they comprehend the word addiction. Having sex with the person you're married to or desiring to have sex with the person you're married to is not a bad thing. That's a great thing. But when you are addicted to sex it goes beyond desire.



There are many great helps for people suffering with a pornography/sex addiction and their spouses. I'm going to mostly focus on those in the LDS (Mormon) community because that's what I'm familiar with. The LDS church has a great 12 step program. The workbook is available through the church distribution center. I believe it’s around $5. It’s a good tool for both the husband and wife to work on separately. Bishops and other religious leaders can be a fabulous resource. They can be someone to talk to when you don’t feel like you should share with anyone else. Marital problems of a sexual nature are often something you don't feel like you can talk about to a friend or family member, especially when it's the addiction of a spouse. I never wanted to feel like I was throwing his sins out there for all to see, so I felt very, very alone in dealing with this.

There are fabulous counselors through the LDS Family Services. If you can’t afford it, talk to your bishop. We had a $10 co-pay and our ward covered the rest.  Families are important to the church; they’re willing to help.   A lot of insurance companies also cover counseling.  The church also has sex addiction support meetings for both the husband and the wife. I know here in our area there are several a week, one in almost every town. I was able to attend a meeting once. It was an amazing experience. There were so many women with so many different stories… newlyweds, grandmas, wives of stake presidents, you’d be surprised who is tangled in the pornography web.

These wives were dealing with everything from being newly married and just finding out about the addiction to having been married 30 years when their husband confessed. There were wives that had been cheated on and even one whose husband was in prison for molesting their grand-children. It was an amazing experience to bond with these women I didn’t know and realize I was not alone. Their testimonies were so sweet and so strong. My ex felt awkward at first in the men’s meeting, but he too also felt it was good to know you aren’t the only one struggling. Through these meetings I realized that no one is exempt from this addiction. It can ensnare anyone at any station in life. The people you least expect could be dealing with this. It's a very sad thing.

This is a subject we hear a lot about, but it's not something that we talk openly about. I'm here to talk openly! If there is anyone out there who would like a friend, I’ve been there. Please contact me. I know just having a friend you can talk to can make a world of difference.

I Walk By Faith

I remember singing this song with my Young Women's group as a youth. The words and music are so beautiful and really speak to me even still. I thought I share the words with you today:

I will prepare to make and keep sacred covenants,
Seek promised blessings of the priesthood through obedience,
Live my life to claim the blessing sweet of exaltation,
My testimony growing each new day.
I walk by faith, a daughter of heavenly parents.
Divine am I in nature by inheritance,
The spirit whispers of my mission, my individual worth,
So I seek for precious knowledge, for learning and for growth.
I understand the meaning of accountability;
Every choice for good and ill is my responsibility.
I want to build the kingdom and good works is the key.
By doing what I know is right I show integrity.
I cherish virtue and moral purity.
I walk by faith, a daughter of heavenly parents.
Divine am I in nature by inheritance,
And someday when God has proven me,
I'll see Him face to face.
But just for here and now I walk by faith.
Yes just for here and now I walk by faith.

~Janice Kapp Perry~

Happy Mother's Day

I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day! I love you all!

"If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. If you are not a mother now, the creative talents you develop will prepare you for that day, in this life or the next.

"You may think you don't have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us (see D&C 46:11–12). The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

"What you create doesn't have to be perfect. . . . Don't let the voices of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside.

"If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it."

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Happiness, Your Heritage," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 119