Mental Illness Through the Eyes of a 16 Year Old Girl

Mental illness is not beautiful.  It's not romantic. Depression isn't just being sad.  I don't know what sad feels like. Anxiety isn't just being nervous.  Bipolar isn't just mood swings. Self harm isn't just attention seeking.

Depression is feeling empty, numb, hopeless. It's staring at the ceiling at 4 am with burning eyes because your thoughts won't stop telling you that you're better off dead.

It's not getting out of bed for days because you don't see the point. It's leaving piles of homework in the corner because you lack any motivation. It's being told you're selfish and lazy when really you want so desperately to be able to go outside and hang our with friends but your depression keeps you in your basement all day.

Anxiety is not being able to pay for your food at a restaurant.  It's the constant feeling of almost falling off a cliff. It's having panic attacks in the middle of class. Hiding in the bathroom as your chest doesn't allow you to breathe and the tears don't stop. You can't speak or stand and you can physically feel the walls caving in around you. It's the feeling someone would get when they're just about to take the most important test of their lives, only instead of a test, it's just asking for a takeout box.

Bipolar Disorder isn't just an over-emotional girl on her period. It's wanting to kill yourself for days as you suffer a rock-bottom depression and then all of a sudden you're so high you can't see yourself ever coming down. Mania is terrifying, not happy.  It's laughing at the most dire situations. It's loud and chaotic. It's like spinning around in circles as fast as you can and not being able to stop, only to stumble into a pit and plummet back to that crippling depression. It's not being able to trust your emotions because you only feel in extremes.

Self harm is ugly. There's no one who is kissing your scars. It's feeling so bad about yourself and who your illness has made you become that the self hatred boils over, spilling out into hysterical crying and the urge to destroy yourself. Or feeling so numb and empty that you bleed to feel something again. It's pain. It's stinging. It's fear. It's regret. It's shame. And it's not being able to stop even when you want to.

None of these things are beautiful. They're ugly. They're destruction. They're chaos. They make you forget what it ever felt like to be happy. Mental illness consumes you. It is hell.

But if not for these illnesses taking over my life, I wouldn't be the artist I am. No one would be able to feel the emotion radiating off of my paintings. I would lose my creativity. To create is to survive. And the only things that is beautiful out of any of this is what I am now able to create. The most important thing I've ever learned is how to take all of the pain and negativity and channel it into a piece of artwork. Out of my suffering I have created beauty.

My paintings may be sloppy and dark, and difficult to understand, but they are beautiful and they are me.
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A note from her mom:

I've been surrounded by mental illnesses most of my life, but it is so different to watch your babies struggle. Even though I can understand what someone with a mental illness is going through, I can't truly understand how it feels to them.  In our home I have worked hard to completely normalize mental illnesses.  In fact, my daughter will mockingly call me "neurotypical", meaning I'm one of the only people in our family without a diagnosed mental disorder.  I'm the odd-ball, which also means I'm the caregiver and carry a lot of stress due to doctor's appointments, medications, psychiatrist's appointments, counseling appointments and the day-to-day of helping those who are not-so-neurotypical. It's an exhausting life.  

This piece titled "A Beautiful Mess" was written by my daughter last year, which was a low point in her life.  She has since made a lot of progress, thanks largely to finding a good bipolar medication, but she still struggles daily. I tease her all the time about being so high maintenance.  I am very proud of her for finding healthy outlets to cope, such as painting and writing and I'm even more proud that she is allowing me to share her thoughts with the world. Please, parents, make your home a safe place for your teenagers to share their feelings with you, no matter how dark they may be.

Me and My Girls: YouTube episode 1

My teenagers and I have an amazing relationship.  It's tricky to balance being a mom with old fashioned beliefs and values and having teens who are very much of the modern world.  We totally make it work though!  If you missed my Best Piece of Parenting Advice for Moms of Teens, be sure to read it here!

As I was pondering on what kinds of videos I'd like to film for my YouTube channel I thought about recipes or crafty ideas, and although I may include those now and then, my greatest passion is women and relationships so that will be my main focus.  I hope you enjoy watching this video as much as I enjoyed making it! 

The BEST piece of parenting advice for moms of teens

When our children are young we can shelter them and keep them in a bubble, but as they get older we have to give them freedom and the ability to make their own decisions and their own mistakes, even though it's hard for us.  We have life experiences and we know what the outcome will be when our kids make bad choices, but we have to let them make those choices and deal with those consequences.

Our Heavenly Father feels the same way about us.  He has more knowledge than we do.  He knows what will happen when we make decisions, but He allows us the agency to make our own choices, both wrong and right.  Sometimes we pray and ask and even beg for things that He doesn't provide.  We feel like He isn't listening, but really He IS listening.  He just knows better than we do.  How often do our kids beg and plead and cry for something that we have to say no to because it isn't in their best interest?  It may be staying up too late, wearing immodest clothing, going to an inappropriate movie or dating too young. From the time our kids can walk we are telling them no.  Don't touch that, don't climb on that, don't eat that; these are all things little kids don't want to hear, but we know better than them, just like our Heavenly Father knows better than us.

WE are His children.  And just like our own children make mistakes, we make mistakes too.  As our kids get older those mistakes can become wedges in your relationship with them.  Teenagers often pull away from their parents, especially when the teenagers are doing things they know their parents don't approve of.  A lot of that pulling away is because our kids think that we won't love them anymore if they don't fit into the mold of what we think they should be.  How often do we pull away from our Father in Heaven because we feel like we aren't being the person He wants us to be?

The greatest thing I know about my Heavenly Father is that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me even though I'm not perfect.  He loves me even though I make mistakes.  He loves me even though sometimes I cry and whine at Him and beg Him for things that He just isn't going to give me.

Because unconditional love is offered by my Heavenly Father to me, I KNOW that I must offer unconditional love to my kids as well.

It sounds easy to just love them and yet I see so many parents with young teenagers who are kicking their kids out of the house, treating them badly or shutting them out of the family because the kids are doing things they disagree with.

I have three teenagers.  In our family we've experienced eating disorders, cutting, depression, anxiety and suicide pacts with friends.  We've had girls with hair every color of the rainbow and girls with heads shaved completely bald, along with mo-hawks, death-hawks, bi-hawks and clothing I would have never in a million years picked out for my daughters.  My daughters have dated boys who are nothing that I would have wanted for them.  We've experienced kids who've decided they don't want anything to do with church, kids who don't want anything to do with God and kids whose religious, political and social beliefs go against everything I've ever taught them.

But through all of this I have an extremely strong and personal relationship with each of my children.  My 18 year old, who is now living on her own, texts me every single day and comes home for a couple of days at least three times a month.  My 16 year old asks me to sit and do collages with her and to "go on adventures" with her.  She tells me about her life and complains when I say I need to go to bed at night.  My 14 year old son hugs me every time he sees me.

 I may not agree with my kids' beliefs and choices, but I love them and THEY KNOW IT.

When you have teenagers you realize that they are their own people.  Yes, they still need you, but once they leave the walls of your home to go to school or out with friends then you have no control over what their actions are.  You can be a good example, you can teach them, you can lecture them, you can discipline them, but essentially they are who they are and they will make the decisions that they want to make.  All you can do is just love them.  No matter what they do, just love them.

They need love more than anything.  They need to know that whatever they do, whatever mistakes they make, whatever friends they have, whatever causes they believe in, whatever person they are, you will love them.  This doesn't mean that we ignore bad behavior.  A parent is still a parent, but make sure that they know that although you may hate their actions, and sometimes need to disciple them for those actions, you don't hate them as a person.

Being loving, truly loving, parents is something we should all strive for, however young or old our children are.  We know that our Heavenly Father will always have His arms outstretched for us, even if we feel we don't deserve it and I strive to be the kind of parent who always has my arms outstretched to my children as well.

The best piece of advice I can give to other parents of teenagers?  Just love them.

Mean Girls

Yesterday while I was at Nina's school being a model for her Halloween fashion show Nina pointed out a girl who had taken a picture of her in class without her knowing it, posted it online and made fun of her... of course one of Nina's friends saw it and showed Nina.  Not only that, but the girl's mom even commented on the picture. Nina thinks that the girl's mom is my fb friend although I have no idea who she is.  To that mom and any other moms of "mean girls":  

I am thankful every single day that I have a beautiful, confident, fabulous daughter who loves herself and doesn't care what people think about her. She took a long hard road to get to the place she is now and I'm grateful she's here.  Women often don't gain their full self esteem until they're adults with children of their own and many never do.  A big reason for that is girls are so harsh to one another.

Girls who feel the need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better are lacking true beauty and it shows.  I watched this girl throughout the day yesterday as I sat in the hair and makeup chair.  I saw how she interacted with those around her, how she looked and spoke to other girls.  She may have been very Barbie-like on the outside, but I felt sorry for her.

The confidence and self love that shines through my daughter's eyes can't be faked or bought. She is gorgeous and it radiates from her.  Shaved head, death hawk, bihawk, crazy makeup and all I have an extremely beautiful daughter who is noticed from a block away because she doesn't want to be like everyone else.  She loves herself and wants to stand out and it shows.  Her style isn't one I would choose and I don't always understand it, but I encourage her to express herself through her looks.

Making fun of her style didn't hurt her feelings, it just made her (and I) not like the girl who did it,  but if this had happened to a less confident teenage girl, even to Nina a couple years ago it could have been devastating and had serious results.  The teenage years are a tough time for girls.  They're hard on themselves, they don't need other girls to be hard on them too and with the internet it's a lot easier for girls to be mean to each other in a very public way which makes matters worse.

I have teenager daughters... One is extreme in her looks and one is traditional.  They are both normal girls.  They make fun of other girls.  They can be jerks... BUT when I hear them talking meanly about someone or putting people down I say something.  I tell them to knock it off and quit being brats. I point out the good in others.  I try to help them to see things they may be missing.  As moms it is our job to teach our girls to treat each other with respect.  They might laugh at me when I'm listing good qualities in someone, but at least my words are there as the Jiminy Cricket on their shoulder. 

In school I didn't like the mean girls.  I didn't want to be like them.  I tried to be nice to everyone no matter what their social standing or how they looked.  I danced every dance because the nerdy boys knew I wouldn't say no to them like so many other girls did.  I was still pretty.  I still made the cheerleading squad.  I was still voted drama club president.  I still had friends.  You can be nice AND still have the full high school experience.  In the years since facebook came about I've received messages from people I went to school with thanking me for always being nice to them in high school and I've received messages from people saying they're sorry for being mean in high school.  Eventually we grow up (hopefully), which do you want your daughter to be?

Teach your girls to stand up for the outcasts, the crazies, the nerds, the freaks... They are some of the best people you can ever know who will grow up to do some of the most extraordinary things and beyond that, they are someone's daughter.  My daughter may have been able to shrug off someone making fun of her, but it hurt MY heart to hear about it.  Just like all the most important things our children need to learn, learning to be nice should start at home.

Chore Time

I haven't had a "formal" chore system since my kids were young.  I just write a few chores on our chalkboard each day and they each pick one.   This system works for us... The problem is there were a lot of deep cleaning chores that just weren't getting done.  This past year has been a little insane, plus I babysit my sister's three kids full time and having a baby in the house again takes up a lot of my time!  I don't remember my kids being so time consuming as babies, but I'm sure they were.  I'm just old and don't remember!  I decided in order to keep up on things around the house I needed to have help!  I have three teenagers so there is no reason they can't be helping out more than one chore a day.  My nephews are 4 and 10 so they can help too.

I made a list of all the chores I needed up help with such as dusting, cleaning off the top of the dryer, wiping down the kitchen cupboards, vacuuming the stairs, etc.  I ended up with 20-something chores.  After I figured out what needed to be done I wrote them down with instructions on index cards.  I organized them by room so someone can grab several from the same room and get to work.  On the back I left a place for a name, date and a spot for me to check it off.  I laminated the cards so we could use them over and over with a dry erase marker, which I keep in the box.  I told the kids that each chore should take about 15 minutes.  I wouldn't check off half-done jobs; I wanted them done well.

Each chore is worth $1 and I give a bonus $1 for every four chores done, so basically they can earn $5 for an hour's worth of work.  This chore system has worked beautifully for us!  The chores are stored in a vintage recipe box which fits in with my decor and the kids know if they want to earn some money that's the way to do it!  I require them to do one chore each week from the box plus they still have their daily chore written on the chalkboard.

When Nina gets bored she's been known to whip out 16 chores in a day and earn $20!   Because they are dated on the back the kids know when they can do a chore.  Each chore only needs to be done weekly and there is a spot for chores that have been finished and signed off.  I never have to dish out more than around $25 a week and since the kids use their money for things I'd probably be paying for anyways like popcorn at the movie, makeup or snow cones I haven't even noticed I'm paying for chores.  Once a week is pay day and everyone is happy!  The kids get money and I get my deep cleaning chores done!  Hooray!