PTSD awareness isn't just about suicide.

I shared this on facebook a couple of months ago, but thought Veteran's Day was an appropriate  time to share it here as well.



   

 Watch it on YouTube here.

PTSD and Decorating for the Holidays

Combat PTSD is an odd thing. Even though everyone's situations are different, there are a lot of similarities I hear about as I'm talking to other wives of PTSD vets.  As autumn-time starts to approach, a lot of vets with combat PTSD can be really "triggered".  The summer is coming to an end, the holidays are approaching, the days are warm but the nights are cold... this can all lead to them feeling unsettled, which can aggravate their PTSD symptoms.

Another thing I've noticed, is that decorating for the holidays can bring about a negative change for those with combat PTSD.  I, myself, was feeling a little melancholy as I packed away my every day living room decor because I know that once the Halloween decorations are up the Christmas season will be here in the blink of an eye and my house won't be back to normal until after the first of the year.  

The holiday season always flies by!  If my brain, that doesn't have anxiety, can link together Halloween decorations with all the other things that will happen throughout the rest of the year, just think of what it can do to someone who dreads the hustle and bustle of the holidays!

When you have PTSD not only are changes (like the whole house being decked out for Halloween,) hard, but the holidays in general are hard as well.  The holidays bring with them a lot of extra stresses for the average person, but when you have PTSD, depression and anxiety (the three go hand-in-hand) the holidays can be a nightmare.  Crowded stores, busy traffic, the anxiety of buying gifts, neighbors dropping by, big holiday parties, the extra expenses, lots of noisy family coming over, etc, etc are sometimes more than a vet can handle.  Decorating for the holidays can start to bring about extra anxieties as they start to worry about everything that the holiday season entails.  I am someone who REALLY gets into the holidays, so I thought I'd share a few things I've learned along the way.

Here are a few tips for making things go a little easier with your PTSD spouse as you decorate for the  holidays:

1- Try to inform your husband ahead of time before you do things like pull out a dozen holiday totes and turn your house upside down, especially if you'll want his help, because you don't want him to shut down.  My husband has memory issues, but I still try to give him a heads up that I'll be decorating soon.  I remind him the week before, the week of, the day before and the morning of that I will be decorating.  Even if he doesn't remember the exact day it will be happening, the idea has had a little time to become familiar to him.

2- Don't expect him to keep up with you.  My husband is home with me full time.  Because of this sometimes I think that he can tackle a six hour project like I can.  This is just not true.  I use my husband for things like reaching boxes I can't reach and helping me pull stuff out of a storage room and that's about it.  Seeing hoards of holiday totes and decorations everywhere is extremely overwhelming for someone with PTSD.  They like small and simple tasks and the way I decorate is not small or simple.

3- Try to get it all done in a day.  In some years past I've let myself take my time while decorating.  Now I try to pick a day when I can get it all done in a few hours.  The rest of us can adapt to a few days of chaos, stepping over boxes tripping over decorations, etc, but if I want my husband to sleep at night I've got to get things semi in order by bedtime.

4- Play it by ear. If my husband is having a really bad week, it's just not going to work to decorate right now.  He will either need my undivided attention or the stress of decorating will be too much for him, or both.  That's ok!  As much as I love my house decked out in holiday fun, I love my husband more and sometimes things need to be scaled back or even done away with completely for a little while so my focus can be on him.  Caregiving is often about sacrifice and in the grand scheme of things, whether or not my Halloween or Christmas stuff was put up during a certain week or even that year at all doesn't really make THAT much of a difference.

5- That being said, don't let go of what makes you happy.  I really, really (like really) find joy in the holidays!  There are certain holiday traditions that are super hard on my husband and I've had to let them go, but I HAVE TO hold on to who I am.  When you are a caregiver it's easy to lose who you are because you're always worried about whether or not something will trigger them or how they're emotionally doing.  Don't let go of what you love.  If you think decorating for the holidays are a pain and it makes your husband unhappy, don't do it.  But if you really love it then it's probably worth the extra stress on you both to not let go of who you are and what makes you happy!

As we head into the holiday season this year I'm hoping to be able to share more about what it's like to be a caregiver to someone with combat PTSD.  Even if it's not totally applicable in your life, I feel it's important to promote awareness. If it is applicable hopefully you will realize that you aren't alone. 

PTSD and Fireworks

June is PTSD Awareness Month and today is PTSD Awareness Day.  A comment I saw on facebook the other day made me want to say a few words about combat PTSD and fireworks as we head into the fireworks season.  The comment was an innocent one made by someone trying to understand PTSD, but many took offense by it.  It went something like this:

"I would think that vets would expect that there would be fireworks on the 4th of July and so they wouldn't be surprised by them."

Many people think that combat vets with PTSD don't like fireworks because they get startled by them.  It is true that getting startled, especially by something that sounds like gunfire, is a trigger for PTSD, but that's just a little part of it.  According to Mental Health America, "For people with PTSD, it is very common for their memories to be triggered by sights, sounds, smells or even feelings that they experience. These triggers can bring back memories of the trauma and cause intense emotional and physical reactions, such as raised heart rate, sweating and muscle tension."

For many combat vets being triggered not only causes panic attacks, but it can also trigger a full-blown flashback of combat.  Flashbacks can be small and last only an instant, with their aftershocks lasting minutes, hours or days, or they can take someone back into combat for hours where they are reliving all the pain, stress and emotion of being in combat.  They may be seemingly alert and act out the combat thinking they are actually there, or they may be huddled up in a ball reliving it like a really intense dream... either way, reality is gone and they are back at war with all the pain, fear and anger that accompanies it.

Combat PTSD can be triggered by so many more things than fireworks, but this time of year is dreaded for many vets.  They know the fireworks are coming.  They probably once enjoyed fireworks as much as anyone else.  They don't want their family and friends to miss out on the festivities on their account, so often times they'll try to "get over it" or "man up" and face the fireworks.  Men and women who saw combat are not weak, but they see their aversion to fireworks and their PTSD in general as a weakness.

Every year my husband thinks he'll be fine to watch fireworks.  Every year he psychs himself up, telling himself that he's being ridiculous and that we are safe at home.... that this is not war.  Guess what?  As soon as he catches the first glimpse of an aerial firework in the distance, as soon as he hears the first neighborhood firecrackers, as soon as he smells the gunpowder, his PTSD is triggered.

Tracers
Source: Baltimore Sun

Getting startled by fireworks is bad, but the startling is really just a small part of it.  In his mind, aerial fireworks become tracers in the sky, the sounds of fireworks become artillery or machine gun fire, firecrackers become gun shots, the smell of fireworks becomes gun powder.  It doesn't matter if he knows that it is the 4th of July, or New Year's Eve or whatever the occasion may be.  It doesn't matter if he sees someone light the fuse.  It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to be "weak" and he tells himself he's being "stupid".  Combat PTSD is combat PTSD and triggers send you back to combat in your mind and body.

Because my husband and I both advocate freedom and I really, really love the 4th of July and fireworks, we don't place combat vet signs in our yard on the 4th of July.  We don't expect our neighbors to be quiet as they celebrate the 4th, although I do think people need to be respectful with their fireworks, combat vet or not... we all know THOSE people who shoot off noisy fireworks all hours of the night for weeks on end.  Come on, people.

If it's possible we go camping during fireworks holidays.  We get out of the city where we don't see, hear or smell fireworks.  This works for us.  There is no way to completely avoid fireworks.  It's only June 27th and I went to bed listening to them last night, but we do what we can to avoid the bulk of them.  When you live with combat PTSD there are triggers on a daily basis and although you can learn to cope in a lot of ways, there are certain triggers you learn to just avoid completely if you can.

Yes, startling a combat vet is a bad idea, but I hope this helps you to understand there is a little more to it than that where fireworks are concerned.

Squadbay

feb 2014

My best friend, Jake (or Kenny Toone as the rest of the world knows him) has made an appearance on my blog throughout the years.  Him and I have a really unique relationship.  Recently I was interviewed for a documentary about him and I was asked a question that I answered and then thought a lot about afterward.  Jake and I were laughing and joking around when we first started filming and we were told to "act normal" and we were like, "this is our normal, we're always laughing and having fun when we're together".  During the interview I was asked, "You say that you two are always laughing and joking together, but obviously you've been through some tough things together so that can't be true?".. My answer was that it is true.  Even when we're crying we're laughing.  We have that type of relationship.

I thought long and hard about this afterward.  We aren't always laughing, in fact we have more serious in-depth talks than laugh-fests, but when I think of him I think of laughter, of having fun, of being able to be myself and him being able to be himself with no judgement and no brave fronts.  Maybe that's what having a best friend means... Even though you go through a lot of hard things together, that's not what you think of.  You don't dwell on the negative.  The happy memories are what sticks out in your mind so when someone asks you about the nature of your relationship the good comes to mind first.  Perhaps I didn't answer that question honestly by some standards, but it was the answer that came to my mind.  We are happy when we are together.

Jake (I will never be able to call him Kenny) is part of something really great and important right now and I'm blessed to be able to take a small role as well.  I thought it was important that he share some of his background in his own words and then I'll add my thoughts and feelings at the end.  *content has been edited for spelling, grammar and language as Jake has dubbed me his "secretary"*

"In 2003 I went to war with Fox company 2/23 1st Marine Expeditionary Force. While in Iraq I was exposed to moral injury. I then began a journey that took everything from me. I wanted to stop existing. Then God saved me.

 In 2003 America invaded Iraq. Along with my fellow devil dogs we went on a journey from Kuwait to Baghdad. We went through the furnace of combat to our breaking point. April 8, 2003. What happened to us that day was beyond what I could take. It cracked my soul in half. That was my moral injury. I knew there was no forgiveness. My values dictated that. Killing was a sin and the only way to pay for life taken is life given. I had to kill myself.

I began the poison of lies down a path was destroying me. It came to a head when after a bitter divorce and losing everything I had to live for I decided to end my life. But I did not want to die. I put two 357 mag hollow points in the eight round cylinder, put the gun to my heart and pulled the trigger. Then I pulled the trigger again . I dropped the gun and turned from God's laws altogether and said **** the world. It started to heal me. I did what was right not because God told me to but because it felt good.

I started down another path of distraction. I used drugs, alcohol and sex and I told anyone who would listen about how great life without God's laws were. There was no shame and no judging anyone who agreed with me, my atheist friends. But religion became a target. I hated the thing that caused me so much pain and hated that when I went to kill myself God would rather let me die than save me.

I was wrong. God was with me. I hurt people and I'm so sorry.  I thought I was helping you see that you could be hurt by God and His rules. Look at all the fun I was having. This felt so good. How could it be wrong if it feels good. I started to take and take. I went from place to place and when I could take no more went to someplace else.

This pattern continued until I realized I was taking from my brothers. They were still killing themselves. I would have died for them in Iraq and I can't let them die now. I started to look at ways I could take care of myself so I could help them and I was going to go to school when Lu [Lobello] called. He told me he found them... the survivors from April 8, 2003... the Kachadoorians. I was invited to face the ones I hurt the most. I took everything from them. I owe them everything. I could not face them, but the stone was rolling in my head.  Lu was able to get forgiveness so why not me?

I finally agreed.  The day was filled with agony and relief... What if they condemn me?  If they do then that could kill me. I was scared for my life, but if they forgive me what could that mean? I could forgive myself. I had no clue what would happen, whether I could get life or death.  It did not matter cause everything dies.  Death will always win so why not have faith in time to kill me when it's my time?  I was able to become fearless because I did not believe in God.

They forgave me.  It felt so good.  I was on the moon. I was flying then I realized what I had to do. I had to find a way to help humans. I found the first traces of what would become Squadbay after talking to the family and experiencing love from the people that I had taken everything from."

*********

I have known Jake/Kenny since 2009.  The inner turmoil, moral injury, ptsd or whatever you're comfortable calling it he has faced as long as I've known him has been heartbreaking.  I honestly never believed that he was an atheist.  Knowing Jake and knowing who he was I KNEW that he knew there was a God and that God scared him.  Accountability scared him.  It's easier to deny something than to face up to what the reality means.

Him and I had many religious discussions over the years.  During the times when he hated religion the very most it tore him up that he had a best friend who was a "Mormon girl" who didn't judge him or condemn him.  He wanted to believe the very worst about Mormons, but I loved being able to prove him wrong again and again as I loved him even through his anger and doubt.  I never turned him away and I never stopped believing that he would someday find his way to light and happiness.

He would preach about how amazing it was to live without God's laws and without guilt and rules and yet I would see the sadness and the hurt behind his loud words and brave front.  I knew a different side of him.  I knew he still had guilt.  I knew he hated himself.  I knew he had nightmares and flashbacks and panic attacks and that he wanted to die.   He opened up to me about things he didn't tell other people.

There were still things he kept from me... things that he knew would hurt me.  I knew he was suicidal and angry, but he would leave out details to spare my feelings.  He has apologized for everything he kept from me and I have forgiven him.  Even in his lowest hours he was trying to protect me.

One of the greatest phone calls I've ever received was the call that started with, "You were right!"  Jake proceeded to tell me that there was a God and that he knew without a doubt that all the things I had born testimony of over the years are true.  He had an incredible spiritual experience in which he received confirmation that God lives and loves His children.  To hear the fire in my best friend's testimony and feel the love he had in his heart for God and for his fellow men was one of the greatest experiences I've been able to be a part of.  I never doubted that he would know his loving Father in Heaven someday.

Squadbay is the good that has come from the bad these Marines have suffered.  Their mission is: To provide humanitarian assistance by rapidly deploying combat veterans to the hardest hit regions of disaster relief areas.  They are taking the skills and training and passion that these Marines have and sending them on deployments to build up those who need it, including themselves.  They are giving vets the opportunity to feel like they're part of something again.  They are able to join together as brothers and be a support system while doing what the good that they had hoped to do while in the Marines.

I am not going to speak out against the military or our country.  I love the United States and I love the military and fully support it... I'm about as patriotic as they come, but the fact is that so many of the men and women who join the military end up broken.  They are suffering and their families are suffering with them.  Vets are committing suicide at an alarming rate.  Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for themselves and being angry for what they've been through the men who created Squadbay have decided to create solutions!  I love solutions so much better than resentment and hate!

I see the good that Squadbay is already doing.   They had some incredible experiences in the Philippines and  I see the lives in the Philippines that have already been blessed by these men and the humanitarian missions that they were able to take.  They sacrificed their own well being to lend their skills to those in need.  I see the healing that has already started in the Marines who are a part of this cause.   I am really grateful I'm able to be a part of Squadbay and lend my time and talents to help heal war-torn vets.  I have no doubt in my mind that the mission of Squadbay will be successful and lives will be saved both on the home front and overseas.  If you want to get involved, let me know!  I would love to put you to work or depending on your skills and abilities put you in touch with the men who can put you to work!  Feel free to email me or contact me on facebook.

If you want to learn more, please check out these sources:
Squadbay.org
Squadbay on Facebook
Lu Lobello's story in The New Yorker
Thank You for Your Service