The BEST piece of parenting advice for moms of teens

When our children are young we can shelter them and keep them in a bubble, but as they get older we have to give them freedom and the ability to make their own decisions and their own mistakes, even though it's hard for us.  We have life experiences and we know what the outcome will be when our kids make bad choices, but we have to let them make those choices and deal with those consequences.

Our Heavenly Father feels the same way about us.  He has more knowledge than we do.  He knows what will happen when we make decisions, but He allows us the agency to make our own choices, both wrong and right.  Sometimes we pray and ask and even beg for things that He doesn't provide.  We feel like He isn't listening, but really He IS listening.  He just knows better than we do.  How often do our kids beg and plead and cry for something that we have to say no to because it isn't in their best interest?  It may be staying up too late, wearing immodest clothing, going to an inappropriate movie or dating too young. From the time our kids can walk we are telling them no.  Don't touch that, don't climb on that, don't eat that; these are all things little kids don't want to hear, but we know better than them, just like our Heavenly Father knows better than us.

WE are His children.  And just like our own children make mistakes, we make mistakes too.  As our kids get older those mistakes can become wedges in your relationship with them.  Teenagers often pull away from their parents, especially when the teenagers are doing things they know their parents don't approve of.  A lot of that pulling away is because our kids think that we won't love them anymore if they don't fit into the mold of what we think they should be.  How often do we pull away from our Father in Heaven because we feel like we aren't being the person He wants us to be?

The greatest thing I know about my Heavenly Father is that He loves me no matter what.  He loves me even though I'm not perfect.  He loves me even though I make mistakes.  He loves me even though sometimes I cry and whine at Him and beg Him for things that He just isn't going to give me.

Because unconditional love is offered by my Heavenly Father to me, I KNOW that I must offer unconditional love to my kids as well.

It sounds easy to just love them and yet I see so many parents with young teenagers who are kicking their kids out of the house, treating them badly or shutting them out of the family because the kids are doing things they disagree with.

I have three teenagers.  In our family we've experienced eating disorders, cutting, depression, anxiety and suicide pacts with friends.  We've had girls with hair every color of the rainbow and girls with heads shaved completely bald, along with mo-hawks, death-hawks, bi-hawks and clothing I would have never in a million years picked out for my daughters.  My daughters have dated boys who are nothing that I would have wanted for them.  We've experienced kids who've decided they don't want anything to do with church, kids who don't want anything to do with God and kids whose religious, political and social beliefs go against everything I've ever taught them.

But through all of this I have an extremely strong and personal relationship with each of my children.  My 18 year old, who is now living on her own, texts me every single day and comes home for a couple of days at least three times a month.  My 16 year old asks me to sit and do collages with her and to "go on adventures" with her.  She tells me about her life and complains when I say I need to go to bed at night.  My 14 year old son hugs me every time he sees me.

 I may not agree with my kids' beliefs and choices, but I love them and THEY KNOW IT.

When you have teenagers you realize that they are their own people.  Yes, they still need you, but once they leave the walls of your home to go to school or out with friends then you have no control over what their actions are.  You can be a good example, you can teach them, you can lecture them, you can discipline them, but essentially they are who they are and they will make the decisions that they want to make.  All you can do is just love them.  No matter what they do, just love them.

They need love more than anything.  They need to know that whatever they do, whatever mistakes they make, whatever friends they have, whatever causes they believe in, whatever person they are, you will love them.  This doesn't mean that we ignore bad behavior.  A parent is still a parent, but make sure that they know that although you may hate their actions, and sometimes need to disciple them for those actions, you don't hate them as a person.

Being loving, truly loving, parents is something we should all strive for, however young or old our children are.  We know that our Heavenly Father will always have His arms outstretched for us, even if we feel we don't deserve it and I strive to be the kind of parent who always has my arms outstretched to my children as well.

The best piece of advice I can give to other parents of teenagers?  Just love them.

Mean Girls

Yesterday while I was at Nina's school being a model for her Halloween fashion show Nina pointed out a girl who had taken a picture of her in class without her knowing it, posted it online and made fun of her... of course one of Nina's friends saw it and showed Nina.  Not only that, but the girl's mom even commented on the picture. Nina thinks that the girl's mom is my fb friend although I have no idea who she is.  To that mom and any other moms of "mean girls":  

I am thankful every single day that I have a beautiful, confident, fabulous daughter who loves herself and doesn't care what people think about her. She took a long hard road to get to the place she is now and I'm grateful she's here.  Women often don't gain their full self esteem until they're adults with children of their own and many never do.  A big reason for that is girls are so harsh to one another.

Girls who feel the need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better are lacking true beauty and it shows.  I watched this girl throughout the day yesterday as I sat in the hair and makeup chair.  I saw how she interacted with those around her, how she looked and spoke to other girls.  She may have been very Barbie-like on the outside, but I felt sorry for her.

The confidence and self love that shines through my daughter's eyes can't be faked or bought. She is gorgeous and it radiates from her.  Shaved head, death hawk, bihawk, crazy makeup and all I have an extremely beautiful daughter who is noticed from a block away because she doesn't want to be like everyone else.  She loves herself and wants to stand out and it shows.  Her style isn't one I would choose and I don't always understand it, but I encourage her to express herself through her looks.

Making fun of her style didn't hurt her feelings, it just made her (and I) not like the girl who did it,  but if this had happened to a less confident teenage girl, even to Nina a couple years ago it could have been devastating and had serious results.  The teenage years are a tough time for girls.  They're hard on themselves, they don't need other girls to be hard on them too and with the internet it's a lot easier for girls to be mean to each other in a very public way which makes matters worse.

I have teenager daughters... One is extreme in her looks and one is traditional.  They are both normal girls.  They make fun of other girls.  They can be jerks... BUT when I hear them talking meanly about someone or putting people down I say something.  I tell them to knock it off and quit being brats. I point out the good in others.  I try to help them to see things they may be missing.  As moms it is our job to teach our girls to treat each other with respect.  They might laugh at me when I'm listing good qualities in someone, but at least my words are there as the Jiminy Cricket on their shoulder. 

In school I didn't like the mean girls.  I didn't want to be like them.  I tried to be nice to everyone no matter what their social standing or how they looked.  I danced every dance because the nerdy boys knew I wouldn't say no to them like so many other girls did.  I was still pretty.  I still made the cheerleading squad.  I was still voted drama club president.  I still had friends.  You can be nice AND still have the full high school experience.  In the years since facebook came about I've received messages from people I went to school with thanking me for always being nice to them in high school and I've received messages from people saying they're sorry for being mean in high school.  Eventually we grow up (hopefully), which do you want your daughter to be?

Teach your girls to stand up for the outcasts, the crazies, the nerds, the freaks... They are some of the best people you can ever know who will grow up to do some of the most extraordinary things and beyond that, they are someone's daughter.  My daughter may have been able to shrug off someone making fun of her, but it hurt MY heart to hear about it.  Just like all the most important things our children need to learn, learning to be nice should start at home.