I'm doing the best I can.

Something I've been thinking a lot about over the last couple of weeks is how I put myself down.  I like myself.  I have high self esteem, but I constantly put myself down in the form of generalizations I use to explain why I'm not as good as I think I should be.

Today is Sunday, and all day I've been avoiding doing a big cleanup in my kitchen and putting away my sewing stuff from a project I finished Friday night.  Last night I had good intentions of cleaning both the kitchen and my craft room, but instead, Alyssa asked me to do art collages with her and I sure wasn't going to turn down the opportunity to hang out with one of my kids.  

This afternoon while making lunch I said, "I should clean this kitchen right now, but I'm a horrible homemaker."  Why would I say that?  I could have said, "This kitchen is extra messy because the kids have been home on Christmas break for two weeks, I could have done it last night, but I was being a good mom by spending time with one of my kids.  I want to enjoy my Sunday, so the dishes I did today are good enough and I can do the rest tomorrow." but instead I put myself down.  Just because my kitchen is messy today does not mean I'm a horrible homemaker.  

I also say things like, "My kids don't go to church because I'm a crappy mom." or when I say no to doing something or being charge of something, I'll say, "I'm sorry, but I can't.  I'm really flaky these days."  My kids don't go to church because they have their own agency and they choose not to.  That doesn't mean I'm a crappy mom.  I have taught them what I believe and been an example to them.  That's all I can do.  

I can't be in charge of as much as I used to because I'm a full time caregiver with a lot of appointments and our day to day can be unpredictable.  That doesn't mean I'm flaky.  It means I'm in a different stage of life right now and can't do all that I use to.

As women, we seem to put a lot of unnecessary guilt on ourselves.  Every time our kids rebel we think it's our fault.  Every time our house isn't spotless we think it means we aren't clean enough.  Every time we say no to someone we think we aren't good enough.  WHY DO WE DO THIS?  

We will never have perfect kids, a perfect marriage, a perfect house, be able to help everyone we want to help or do everything we wish we could do.  We. just. can't.   We KNOW we can't do it all.  If we heard a friend putting guilt on themselves or being mean to themselves because of something like this we'd tell them to knock it off!  If we can be forgiving of the "faults" of our friends and neighbors, why can't we be forgiving and understanding of ourselves?

I'm doing the best I can!

Every day, sometimes all day every day, I say to myself, "I'm doing the best I can!"  I say it to my husband.  I say it to my kids.  I say it out loud and I say it in my mind.  It's so easy to get overwhelmed with everything I feel like I'm failing at.   

One thing I'm working on is letting go of the word "fail" in my vocabulary.  Just because I'm not where my brain tells me I should be, doesn't mean I'm failing.  I'm doing good!  My house is reasonably clean and organized, my kids are smart and funny, my marriage is happy, I have great friends and I have a lot of gifts and talents.  The end... not my house is clean, but blah blah blah it's not as clean as it could be.  It's fine!   We as women need to learn to state the facts and leave off the negative buts or becauses at the end.  We owe it to ourselves.  I'm doing awesome and so are you!  

2016, Here I Come!

It's New Year's Eve!  I've been pondering on my goals and my word for 2016 all week.  I've decided my word of the year will be MAGIC!  I want to make magic, witness magic and experience magic in 2016.  It's going to be a magical year!

I feel like there are so many parts of my life I want to improve on this year, but I don't want to set myself up for failure by setting too many lofty goals so I've decided to pick one goal in seven different areas of my life to work on this year:

Spiritual-  Spiritual comes first on my list because God is number one in my life.  My spiritual goal for 2016 is to attend the temple at least four times during the year.  I love the peace and clarity that comes from temple attendance.  I'd like to say I'm going to attend weekly or even monthly, but realistically I'll be doing good to make it every few months, so that's the plan. 

Physical-  My physical goal is to lose 20 pounds.  I've put on 20 pounds over the last couple of years, on top of already having been overweight, and after some serious concern expressed by my doctor I've decided I need to get serious about getting healthy.  I'm hoping by losing 20 pounds I'll also lower my blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar levels.  My husband is working on losing weight too, so this is something we will be doing together.  Go team!

Intellectual-  My intellectual goal for the year is to possibly start school this fall.  "Possibly" is pretty weak, but although going to school is part of my plan for the year, I have to be open to the possibility that it won't happen due to my husband's health and my taking care of him.  I've been kicking around the idea of going to a two year culinary arts school, but I've also considered doing something more serious, like psychology or public relations, which would allow me to do online school, if necessary.   A big dream of mine is to go to school to learn herbal medicine, but I don't know if the VA's education benefits would cover something like that.  The bottom line is there's a very good chance I'll be starting school this year, but I'm not sure how, where or for what yet!

Emotional-  My emotional goal for 2016 is to finish the book I've been writing.  It's extremely therapeutic to write out my feelings and experiences about my life as a caregiver to a disabled veteran.  My target audience will be other caregivers of veterans with PTSD, psychosis, depression, anxiety, etc.  It's amazing when you spend time with other people dealing with the same challenges you are and see their eyes light up when they realize they are not alone in their trials.  I'm hoping this book can do that as well.  I'm planning for it to be a quick and easy read because caregivers don't usually have a lot of time for themselves.  Getting everything out on paper is a great emotional release for me!

Social-  My social life has truly suffered this past year.  While I've made great connections with other caregivers through support groups, online groups and Wounded Warrior Project activities, my day to day social life has been almost non-existent!  My social goal for the year is to invite friends over to my house at least once a month.  Tea parties, game nights, lunches and potlucks are all in my plan for 2016.  I'm hoping by hosting events once again people will remember I'm here and I will start getting invitations once again for social outings.  I miss my friends!

Financial-   My financial goal for 2016 is to pay off my van and refinance our house into a 15 year mortgage.   My long-term goal it to put the monthly van payment money towards our mortgage to actually pay down the 15 year loan in 12!   How exciting would that be?

Adventure-  It wouldn't be a New Year's resolution list for me without a travel goal!  My goal is once again to visit at least one state I've never been to before!  We're also seriously considering a trip to Costa Rica this summer to visit all the Costa Rican family members I've never met!  That would be an adventure for sure... I don't speak spanish and my family members don't speak english!

What about you?  Have you made any goals for the new year?

A Look Back at 2015

Walking into our house for the reveal.

2015 has been a little crazy, to say the least!  One of the most interesting parts of the year was getting a home makeover in November!  I'm not even sure how it all happened, it was such a whirlwind, but one moment we were just living our life and all of a sudden, a few days later, we were emptying out our house and letting volunteer crews have free run of the place.  We did several new interviews about the makeover, including one for NBCs Nightly News with Lester Holt!  Our favorite things that were done to our house were getting a new furnace and windows!  How cool is that?  My kids love their bedroom makeovers and the complete overall of our basement, which is their hangout spot.  I'm still amazed it happened!

Another incredible happening in 2015 was taking TWO trips to New York!  My husband is featured in a documentary called, Thank You for Your Service.  In November we were able to attend the world premiere at NYC Doc, the New York City documentary film festival!  The showing sold out and there was a huge after party as well... Attention and crowds are not things my husband necessarily loves or does well in, but I loved it!  We were able to stay in NYC for six days and attend a couple of shows.  We even popped over to New Jersey for a day just so I could mark it off my list of states we've been to together.  I loved New York, my husband hated it, but love it or hate it, we did it!  I even bought a dress at my favorite vintage-style dress shop for the occasion, which was a huge deal to me!   

Two weeks after our NYC trip we were flown to West Point, New York for another showing of the film, this time on the West Point Academy campus!  The atmosphere was totally different but equally amazing.  West Point was so beautiful.  We stayed at the historic Thayer Hotel and were able to take a tour of the campus.  It was a short trip, but I loved it so much!  I really love all the people associated with the documentary.  It's like having another family.  

I had been to New York City before 20 years ago (boy, I'm getting old!), but this was my first time seeing another part of the state.  Travel has always been a huge dream of mine, so being able to visit new places with my husband was a great part of 2015 for me!  He is such a good sport.  He's really not a fan of all the attention he gets with the movie or spending time away from home in unfamiliar places, but he goes because it's important to me.  I really believe in the message of Thank You for Your Service and what they're trying to do to improve the mental health care system of our armed forces!

     

In September I attended a Wounded Warrior Project retreat for wives of wounded warriors.  It was exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries!  Being a full time caregiver to a disabled vet is something that can be extremely emotionally, physically and mentally draining!  Spending time with other women in similar situations was so amazing and the workshops we participated in were uplifting and positive.  I loved it so much!

In August we were able to attend a Wounded Warrior Project family retreat at the National Ability Center.  There was soaking at the Crater, archery, bike riding, boating and so much more!  We were able to spend four days with other families similar to ours.  I loved seeing my kids step away from electronic devices and participate in activities they wouldn't usually try.  Alyssa is actually amazing at archery!  Who knew?

Nina with her uncle and aunt

2015 brought about some big milestones in our family as well!  Nina graduated both high school and cosmetology school, turned 18 AND moved out of the house!  She's living in Salt Lake City, working two jobs and doing really well!  Having her move out actually improved our relationship a lot too.  

Alyssa got her learner's permit this year and Caleb started 9th grade!  Big milestones for both of them.  It's been a year of growth for all three of my kids.

In just a few years they'll all be out of the house living their own lives!  It's hard to believe that they're all getting so old.

We took several camping trips in 2015.  We visited American Fork Canyon, Hobble Creek Canyon, the Nebo Loop, Yuba Lake and Bear Lake, Idaho!  My husband and I also spent a few days in Jackson Hole, Wyoming for my birthday in April.  It's been a great year for getting out and seeing new things!  Our little camper has gotten a lot of use.

In October we attended a huge masquerade ball at the Utah State Capitol building!  Of course, once again my husband was not a fan, but the rest of us had a ball (get it... a ball... haha).  It was a dream come true for me to dress up and attend a ball!

In early 2015 we started on a new treatment plan for my husband with new doctors, new medications and a new counseling center.  It's been a bumpy, but productive road.  I've been able to be a part of several online vet's wives groups, become part of the national VA Caregiver Program, attend a weekly support group for wives at the Vet Center and our family has been able to participate in several Wounded Warrior Project events!  I've seen many incredible changes in my husband this year.  He had a three week hospital stay in the early summer, which was a big turning point and ever since I've made it a huge priority for me to have a great support team consisting of others who are in similar situations.  I've made a lot of new friends this year!

This year we started going to the movies weekly and love seeing movies in the luxury recliner seats on $5 Tuesdays.  We also feed the missionaries lunch every week, which has been a great experience.   I love having missionaries in my home so often!

I've read several books this year and even started writing a non-fiction book of my own.  After Nina moved out I was able to make myself a craft room again and have gotten back into scrapbooking and crafting.  Creating things is a great stress reliever!

We had a garden this summer and I enjoyed canning the foods I grew.   I have also really loved learning about medicinal herbs this year and have made many tinctures and teas and learned how to use them.  

A year ago I swore that 2015 would be the best year ever... Looking back on it, I have to say that it was!  There were a lot of bumps and bruises throughout the year, but overall it's been amazing!  I look forward to 2016 being even better!  

Am I Still a Writer?

Am I still a writer?  This question has plagued me the last couple of weeks.  I used to refer to myself as a writer, but I rarely take the time to write anymore.


A couple of weeks ago I helped my husband write a talk for sacrament meeting.  He jotted down the gist of what he wanted to say on notepaper and I put it together, added in quotes and scriptures and just made it flow... So many people commented on how well written his talk was and although he really gets credit because he did an AMAZING job, and I promise I'll share the talk with you soon, it got me thinking about writing again.  I really enjoyed helping him take the message he wanted to share, use his words combined with my talent and make it into something fabulous.

I was in a group support meeting for caregivers on Saturday and the therapist referred to me as a writer and I asked myself the question, Am I still a writer?  I love writing, helping my husband with his talk reminded me of that.  I want to consider myself a writer, but to be a writer don't I need to actually write something?

It's been an interesting year.  I am happier than I've ever been.  I love being married to my best friend, but there are also many challenges that come with being a full time caregiver to a disabled veteran.  One of the things that constantly gets drilled into the heads of caregivers is to make the time to take care of yourself.  Writing is therapeutic for me, so I've decided I need to make it a priority again!

Last week in church my husband started nudging me and telling me I should go up and bear my testimony and I said, "I don't have anything to say."  He snorted and responded, "That would be a first!"  He's right.  I do always have something to say.

On this blog I have recipes and craft ideas to share.  I have vintage finds to show and tell.  I have parenting stories, caregiver stories, ptsd stories and testimonies to bear.  I have women to connect with and friendships to make and strengthen.  I AM a writer!  I don't want to lose that part of me so I'm here to publicly say...   I'm blowing the dust off this old blog and putting it to regular use again, not because I feel guilty about it or because people are asking me to, but because when people ask me what I do I want to be able to say once again, I'm a writer!

New Year, New Start 2015

Every new year I like to take some time to reflect on the goals I set for the previous year and decide where I need my focus to be for the year to come.  Yesterday I sat down with a dirty Dr. Pepper, a sugar cookie and my very patient husband and made a list of projects that need to get done around the house and thought about what goals I wanted to set for myself for 2015.

2014 started out rocky... halfway through the year I had one of those life-changing experiences I seem to be so fond of.  I had to pick myself up (with a lot of help) and the rest of the year did not turn out how I had planned... That being said, the second half of 2014 has been one of the best times of my life so far and in December I was able to be married to my best friend.

There are some people placed in your life for a reason and Jake is one of those.  We've always had a deep connection and after being best friends for five years we decided it was time for us to be married.  We had a very quiet, very spiritual ceremony with only us, our bishop and two witnesses.  It was beautiful and perfect.

My kids decided once again that they wanted a vacation instead of big Christmas gifts and we spent Christmas in Las Vegas!  It was a really weird, but super fun way to celebrate the holiday!

We saw Into the Woods on Christmas Eve and went to MJ Live (a Michael Jackson tribute show) on Christmas Day.  We had such a good time... and it was much warmer than home!

The botanical gardens at the Bellagio were absolutely beautiful for Christmas.  Taking a vacation as a family has become one of my favorite Christmas traditions.  We don't need more "stuff", but you can never have enough memories!

This past week as New Year's Day has been approaching I've been thinking a lot about what I want to happen in 2015.  2015 is a year of fresh starts and new experiences!  Today is my last day babysitting my nephews and niece.  I've had my 10 1/2 month old baby niece in my home since she was a newborn along with her 4 and 11 year old brothers.  Scarlett thinks of me as a second mom and it will be a big adjustment to have an empty house during the day.  Jake and I decided that it was best for our relationship and our family to not have extra kids here full time.  We want to have time by ourselves when my kids are at their dad's house, we want to get all the daunting projects around the house done that have been neglected plus I want to work on my vintage business on a more regular basis.  It has been next to impossible to keep up with it with a baby.  There are so many changes happening it's a little overwhelming, but they are all positive changes!

For the first time in a long time I am really, truly, deeply happy.  I wasn't quite sure I'd ever reach that point again.  I always try to remain positive and seek for the best, but it's a nice change to have true joy in my heart without having to force it or look for it!  I believe that 2015 is going to be an amazing year!

My word for 2014 was ORDER.  I've decided there isn't a better one and I'm going to keep it around for another year.  As we work on projects around the house, the business, our finances, my children, schedules and everything else I still like the word, ORDER.  It describes what I'm striving for.  When I have order I feel at peace.  The year of 2015 WILL bring ORDER to all aspects of my life!

The three goals I've decided on for 2015 are:

1- Spend 4 hours every week on this blog.

2- Visit a state I've never been to before.

3- Book a cruise for my family.

Have I mentioned how much I love this guy?  Even when I want to strangle him my heart is so happy that we are together.  

I'm so thankful for the blessings I've received this year and for the knowledge I have of my Heavenly Father and the fact that His plan and His timing rarely match up with our plan and our timing, but He DOES have a plan for us and if we are patient and have faith we can have everything we ever wanted and more.

Happy 2015!

Sanctuary

I'm what you would call a busy person... not just normal busy, but BUSY.  I'm often told that I don't have an "off switch".  I go-go-go from the time my eyes open until I fall asleep at night, usually hours past bedtime.  I sometimes always make my family insane because they try to get me to relax and chill, but I don't really function that way.  One thing that helps me to keep my sanity through all my busyness is my house.  I believe that your home is your sanctuary.  It's a place that you should walk into and feel at peace.  There is a reason behind my white living room and bedroom.  It's not just that I like white slipcovers and white painted furniture; I feel at peace when I'm surrounded by simple, peaceful things that I love.

Having your home in order is more than just wanting it to look pretty.  Having an orderly home is essential for the well being of you and your family.  If you are squished on one half of the table at dinner time because there is stuff piled on the other side are you really enjoying your meal?  If you're wading through piles of stuff on the floor do you feel at peace or do you feel as cluttered as the room does?  I am not a person who will ever have a spotless, museum-type house.  I believe a home should be just that... a home.  I think you need to live in a place people feel comfortable actually living in.  But there should be order in your home.

When people come over to my house I find myself immediately spilling out excuses as to why things are so cluttered.  It shouldn't be like that.  Even though we have "good" reasons why things are cluttery right now, I'm embarrassed to have company over.  I know my friends and family understand what's going on in our lives right now and my house isn't dirty, just full of projects we're in the middle of, but it bothers me...  a lot.  I'm not sure how people who live in messy houses on a daily basis, year after year function and maybe they don't.  My house has only been out of order for a couple of months and I feel like my life is completely out of order.

I NEED my house to be a place of peace.  I'm getting to the point now where I'm starting to get things back in order and I notice such a difference in my own attitude and that of my kids.  I would strongly encourage anyone who is feeling like they're out of sorts to look at their house.  I know when my house is in order I feel like my life is in order as well.  I deserve a sanctuary from the stresses of life and so do you.  What better place for that sactuary than your own home?

*adorable* Mini Clipboards

I've had this idea kicking around in the back of my head for a while and it finally came to pass... and I am in LOVE with these little clipboards!

This skull one is mine.

Nina chose an owl, Alyssa's is the green and of course Caleb's is the firefighter clipboard.

The other two are for gifts and I'll be making lots more. They hold a square sticky note pad perfectly! How fun is that?


Now my secret? I used a package of old coasters from a thrift store. I tacky glued the paper to the coaster, let it dry, sanded the edged and mod podged the top to seal it. The clips are binder clips with paper tacky glued and mod podged as well. EASY CHEESY!

New Year, New Start

Last year I set resolutions... it was one of the first years I've done it. I looked back over them today and realized I didn't do as bad as I had thought. Some of the goals aren't applicable anymore because of my marriage situation change, but overall I did so-so LOL

I did fantastic at my reading goal. I made a goal to read six books. I'm pretty sure I did that by at least 6 times!!!

I made a goal to make better girlfriends. I think I did this too. For the first half of the year I even hosted a monthly girls night out. The second half I didn't do AS good, but I still made an effort to entertain more and get out more with the girls. I've made some great friends and deepened some friendships too!

I've also done better at befriending my children. I know I'm a great mom, but I also need to be a great friend to them and the relationship between Nina and I has been strengthened a lot. One of my greatest kid moments in 2009 is when Nina told me "thank you" for not allowing her to move in with her dad at the beginning of the summer like she wanted to. It was a rare moment where I felt like she truly appreciated me.

My spiritual and health goals slacked this year and I'm not really surprised. These always seem to be the areas I struggle most with. It's the daily scripture studying and exercising/eating right that I have a rough time keeping going for long periods of time. The kids and I did ok (not good, but ok) at reading our scriptures together and having nightly prayer. We haven't been good enough to brag about, but we did improve over 2008.

Well... now that I've analyzed a few of my winnings and failings of 2009, I guess it's time to set some goals for 2010.

First off I want to address my spiritual goals because they are most important. I NEED to improve my scripture reading immensely! I have been so casual in my scripture reading that I'm embarrassed to even try and remember how long it's been since I picked up my scriptures for personal use. This has GOT to change! Even if it's a verse a day, I have to read something! I also want to be more diligent in carrying out regular family home evenings. We do FHE, but more on a monthly basis instead of weekly. My goal is to have at least three "formal" family home evenings each month.

My next goals are business goals. I am planning on getting back in the swing of weekly blog carnivals. It's been months since I've been a regular at show & tells, tablescape days, pink Saturdays, etc. I miss this fun part of my blog and it's a great way to make new blogging friends. I need to be more aggressive in my website writing. I haven't been with a fully functioning computer for a while and as soon as I get one I will start full-force into my e-books, article writing, etc. I feel like my business goals were put on the back burner this year with my computer crashing in May and my divorce in July, but I'm ready to get back in the saddle again!

My finally goal category is my personal goals. I want to really get to know my kids on a personal level. My kids are great friends with each other. They know everything there is to know about their siblings. I want to get in on that. I'd like to spend more time actually talking AND listening to my children. My other personal goal is to maintain a happy, healthy romantic relationship. Jake and I have been together now for over a month; although that isn't long at all, so far, so good. I need to continue to be very open, aware and communicative with him to ensure that our needs are both being met and that we are happy. We are great friends and I'm so thankful for that. He is an amazing person and a quite unexpected blessing in my life.

Well... there you have it! My resolution ramblings for 2010! Woo-Hoo! It's gonna be a FANTASTIC year :)

Pink Chamber Pot

A few years ago I had one of my kitchen cupboards fall off the wall... yes an actual big cupboard full of dishes and it landed on my head as I was getting dinner ready. Amazing enough none of my nice china or my grandma's dishes broke although lots of other things did (the funny thing was, it was the day before Thanksgiving and I had been debating on using my good china because I didn't want it broken). You have no idea how much broken glass 24 wine glasses make across a kitchen (they were the main thing that broke). The one thing that broke that really made me sad was an antique chamber pot I had bought off of eBay.

 It was brown transferware and had Utah marked on the bottom. I bought it from someone back east, but it was the Utah marking that really attracted me. It had been on top of the cupboard and totally shattered. I cried. Standing in my bare feet with broken glass all over the kitchen, my arms bruised and a huge bump on my head I cried for that chamber pot.

A week or so later I was at an antique store and saw this pretty pot for about $18. I usually never buy anything at antique stores and $18 is a lot for me to spend on something, but there was a void that needed to be filled, so I bought it and I've never regretted it. I keep it up on my cupboard in my room and use it to stash money for yard sales.

Funny Sign

These signs cracked me up.. It's the bottle on the Nursing Room signs at the zoo. Shouldn't the picture be of a boob, not a bottle?   And, yes, I am lucky to live in a state where we have things like nursing rooms at the zoo. Utah is definitely a family oriented place and I love it!